I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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