I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
