found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
