I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
