So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
