He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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