She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
