My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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