I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
