dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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