So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
