Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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