i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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