u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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