i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
