I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
