It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
