My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize