I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
