I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
