I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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