things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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