My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
