this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
