I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So vagazzling was a success
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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