Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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