I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
