Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
