Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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