we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
