I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
