Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
