if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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