Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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