worst night to have a conscience
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
