I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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