I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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