I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
