Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
