Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
