dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
