thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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