I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I will pee on everything he values.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
