I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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