Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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