he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize