Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
