if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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