If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
