2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize