it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize