am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
