Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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