when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
