dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
