I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
