I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
