i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
