Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize