I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
