turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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