yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
