So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize