so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
