Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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