Rock
Scissors
Fuck
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
